Sunday, December 20, 2009

SubWise #5

Reflecting in the past year, how have you progressed in your submission? What challenges have you overcome and what others are you still working on?
This question comes from Sub Wise #5 over at Submissive Guide. Please go take a look at what the other participants have written.

I've become much more serious in my submission in the past year. Somehow I came to realize that I wanted to stop pretending to be a sub and start being one. Honestly, not just for my Master but for me because I realized I needed this.

Master has always identified as a Dom and I've seen myself as a switch for quite some time. Honestly, I probably Domme'd my first time to make that boyfriend happy which is kind of subby in a way.
Gradually I realized I was making rules for myself so that I could feel happy and safe. Rules I wanted Master to be making. Great, I was becoming my own Domme. That was better than having no Dom at all but I suspected we were both sad. Master wanted a sub but wasn't sure about me and I wanted a Dom but wasn't sure about my ability to do it.
My health is a big part of our doubts. Scenes aren't really possible because while neither of of us have the energy for them. Plus, with some of my health conditions there are real reasons I'd end up hurt and he doesn't want to risk that. So casual play didn't really feel like a viable option for satisfying anyone's desire for D/s.
We tried a system where I'd put on a special necklace to signal that I was feeling well enough to be his sub but I've never been able to honestly wear it no matter how often I sincerely want to. Wearing the necklace would mean I'm having a good enough day physically to do whatever tasks were asked of me and well, I don't have those days anymore. Now, I look at the necklace and cry. Master would know I'd be lying if I ever put it on and I'm not supposed to lie to him so I'll never be able to wear it.

I've had mixed feelings about 24/7 relationships since I learned about them. I have had horrid taste in relationships prior to this and I don't want to get any more trapped than I tend to let myself. The structure they provide seems attractive. However, I'm a brat I know that. Plus I have a stereotyped image of what a 'good sub' is and since Master and I don't always communicate very well I tend to fall back on that very strict stereotyped image without clear guidance from Master. All that said, they still hold an attraction for me. I like structure and security. My overarching goal is to be 'good.' In my mind, if I do anything to, or let anything, frustrate Master then I haven't been 'good.' Because of that attitude and my history, neither Master nor I are sure how healthy a 24/7 relationship would be for me.

So, we start small and see what we can do. I'm supposed to take good care of myself because I'm his. He wants his property taken well taken care of so he has less to worry about. I'll admit this confuses the heck out of me but it is a good place to start. Every night I get to ask if I've been good and the answer will usually be based on how well I've taken care of myself or how much easier I've made his life that day. Somedays it will be based on how well I coped with a bad day. Hopefully this will gradually help with my self-concept.

We're still working on more ways to work D/s into our everyday lives in a way that works for both of us health-wise. Moving away from a service mindset may be key. We're looking at pet play. Afterall cats get to lay on the sofa all day and mew when they need food and water plus they still get skritches.

No comments:

Post a Comment