Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Managing the Housework by Using a PCA

My PCA (Personal Care Attendant) is here. Asking for one was a hard decision. I'd been told that I could only get help if I was housebound and Master appreciates it if I go to the store with him whenever possible and go to his medical appointments with him. So, I was unwilling to give that up just to get help with the chores.
However, about two years ago I got desperate. The house was a nightmare and I was getting sicker due to the condition of our bathroom. Master was making himself sick trying to take care of me, cook, and keep up with the dishes. I made some calls asking about 'chore assistance' and got lucky. The program I'm enrolled in doesn't require that I be housebound and uses a sliding fee scale. Currently I get two hours a week of help. That can change if my needs change. For example, if Master can't drive for some reason I can call and my PCA can pick up my medicine from the pharmacy and go grocery shopping for us.
Currently she does dishes, sweeps, vacuums, mops, changes my bed, dusts, and cleans the kitchen and bath, and shovels our walk in the winter. I can ask for help with other 'light' occasional tasks such as cleaning the oven or freezer but not windows. Other than the snow, we still have to hire someone else to tend to the outside of our home.
I really feel like I should be doing all this for my Master myself but I can't. I have to accept that. The responsible thing to do is to make sure that things are taken care of somehow. What tools I utilize really isn't the important point.
Master really appreciates what my PCA does but he doesn't want to have to deal with her. So, it is my job to manage her. I have some experience with managing people from using readers during college but that was ten years ago. Plus, she tends to go to him with more 'technical' problems like with the vacuum cleaner.
Master really is a dear about the need for a PCA. He knows that dealing with her isn't easy for either of us and makes a real effort to be awake when she's here so he can support me if I get flustered. In turn, I make a a real effort to give my PCA the best instructions I can and to make sure the things Master wants done get done.
One benefit of having a PCA is that for two hours a week Master can relax to a degree. The dishes will get done. Someone else is in the house who can come get him if I fall or have an asthma attack. For those two house he can just relax and write or play games without worrying about me. It's great.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Sub Wise #5

There were two other participants in Sub Wise #5


Pet's Journey

Please go read what they have written and consider participating in the next Sub Wise done by Submissive Guide.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I got my new cuff!

Master recently bought a 8" anklet from Eternity Collars and presented it to me soon after my birthday. I wear it on my left wrist. So far I'm quite happy with it.
Surprisingly it is quite oval which I didn't like at first but after 24 hours I realize that it is the perfect shape. I didn't want a lot of play in this so got a piece 0.5" larger than my wrist measurement. That means I'm wearing an anklet as a cuff so I don't know if the cuffs are also oval in shape.
Even with my hypermobile joints I can't compress my hand to slip the cuff off. Yet I can push it up my forearm and it will stay beneath a long sleeve even with my elbow bent. Another bonus is that I didn't have to move my chunky Fossil watch to my right wrist although I may to balance things out and avoid the possibility of scratching the case of the watch. Bathing with the cuff went well and I didn't knock myself out with it. No bruises so far either.
I have made an effort to keep a piece of fabric between the cuff and my laptop. I'm not sure the metal case would scratch but I don't like the sound of metal against metal. Just a quirky me thing and I doubt it would bother most people.
I haven't gone out in public much since getting it so I don't know if anyone will ask me about it. I'm a bit nervous about how to deal with questions but I'm fairly sure I can just fall back on 'it was a birthday present.'

That's the practical stuff, now the feelings stuff...
We had had a fairly bad day prior to my having the cuff simply locked onto my wrist. I had asked Master if we were going to do anything special when it arrived and he never did tell me so apparently the answer was 'no.' It was rather odd. I really didn't think I deserved to wear the cuff at all but Master just said something like 'Nonsense' and locked it on before walking away to leave me to my confusion.
While I do wish something special or at least pleasant could have happened the day I got the cuff locked on I'm glad Master saw fit to do so even on a day I thought I'd been 'bad.' Honestly, if Master waited for a day I truly felt I'd earned it to give it to me he might as well not have ordered it.
I smile when I fidget with it but frown when I look at it. Perhaps the feelings will sort themselves out eventually. I'm not sure how this symbol can be so reassuring and yet so disturbing at the same time.
Now each time I do something 'wrong' I want to beg to have it removed. I don't deserve it, I just proved that. It feels like it means so much to me but I'm not sure how much it can mean to someone who simply sat on the sofa, opened the mail, dealt with it, and then left to do important things.
That's a feeling. As such it doesn't have to make sense Master says. Even if he does get cranky about the things that make me sad and since I can't fix the things that make me sad usually I just try to fix being sad so as to help with Master's crankiness. What a pair we are. I have to remember that I did get a hug and I would have pouted if he'd taken it off once he'd confirmed that it was the best possible size for me. (I wish it were more snug but I think the next smaller size would be too tight especially if my wrist swelled.) It will be okay. This just had a bigger emotional impact than I predicted it would.
At least now I have something to reassure me that he chose me and wants me to be here. Even if I am confused by that most of the time. Truly deserving it I may never do in my eyes but it is his cuff to do with as he pleases and right now this is what pleases him. I don't have to understand it. I just wish I trusted that he wouldn't 'come to his senses' any minute now either.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

SubWise #5

Reflecting in the past year, how have you progressed in your submission? What challenges have you overcome and what others are you still working on?
This question comes from Sub Wise #5 over at Submissive Guide. Please go take a look at what the other participants have written.

I've become much more serious in my submission in the past year. Somehow I came to realize that I wanted to stop pretending to be a sub and start being one. Honestly, not just for my Master but for me because I realized I needed this.

Master has always identified as a Dom and I've seen myself as a switch for quite some time. Honestly, I probably Domme'd my first time to make that boyfriend happy which is kind of subby in a way.
Gradually I realized I was making rules for myself so that I could feel happy and safe. Rules I wanted Master to be making. Great, I was becoming my own Domme. That was better than having no Dom at all but I suspected we were both sad. Master wanted a sub but wasn't sure about me and I wanted a Dom but wasn't sure about my ability to do it.
My health is a big part of our doubts. Scenes aren't really possible because while neither of of us have the energy for them. Plus, with some of my health conditions there are real reasons I'd end up hurt and he doesn't want to risk that. So casual play didn't really feel like a viable option for satisfying anyone's desire for D/s.
We tried a system where I'd put on a special necklace to signal that I was feeling well enough to be his sub but I've never been able to honestly wear it no matter how often I sincerely want to. Wearing the necklace would mean I'm having a good enough day physically to do whatever tasks were asked of me and well, I don't have those days anymore. Now, I look at the necklace and cry. Master would know I'd be lying if I ever put it on and I'm not supposed to lie to him so I'll never be able to wear it.

I've had mixed feelings about 24/7 relationships since I learned about them. I have had horrid taste in relationships prior to this and I don't want to get any more trapped than I tend to let myself. The structure they provide seems attractive. However, I'm a brat I know that. Plus I have a stereotyped image of what a 'good sub' is and since Master and I don't always communicate very well I tend to fall back on that very strict stereotyped image without clear guidance from Master. All that said, they still hold an attraction for me. I like structure and security. My overarching goal is to be 'good.' In my mind, if I do anything to, or let anything, frustrate Master then I haven't been 'good.' Because of that attitude and my history, neither Master nor I are sure how healthy a 24/7 relationship would be for me.

So, we start small and see what we can do. I'm supposed to take good care of myself because I'm his. He wants his property taken well taken care of so he has less to worry about. I'll admit this confuses the heck out of me but it is a good place to start. Every night I get to ask if I've been good and the answer will usually be based on how well I've taken care of myself or how much easier I've made his life that day. Somedays it will be based on how well I coped with a bad day. Hopefully this will gradually help with my self-concept.

We're still working on more ways to work D/s into our everyday lives in a way that works for both of us health-wise. Moving away from a service mindset may be key. We're looking at pet play. Afterall cats get to lay on the sofa all day and mew when they need food and water plus they still get skritches.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Asking for help

Recently Master felt I was ready for a new rule. Unfortunately he made this decision after learning that I decided that I could do without something because I just didn't have the energy to find it and I didn't want to ask him to help me get it. *facepalm* When will I ever learn to keep my mouth shut?
So now I have to ask for help if I need it. I asked Master how to decide if I really needed help or if I was just being lazy. His answer was rather straightforward even if I didn't quite understand it. Lazy people don't do things because they just don't want to but they could without negative consequence. I don't do things because I really don't feel well enough or I'm afraid of the consequences. By Master's definitions that means I can't recall a time I've been lazy.
This is one of those time I'm glad to be working with Master's definitions of things rather than my own.
By far this is the hardest rule for me to follow. In my mind I'm supposed to take care of my Master or at least do what I can to minimize how much work I make for him. This seem so directly cause him to have to do more.
Master has explained that he wants to take care of me and if he knows I'll ask for help when I need it then he'll worry less. Yes, I grasp that it is bad to make my Master worry. My particular Master would rather do some physical work if it means fewer worries about my health and well being. I have to remember that I'm the submissive and it isn't necessary for me to understand. I want to understand but I just don't feel capable of understanding this.

Monday, December 7, 2009

A bit of background.

The most common command from Master these days is "Go sit down." That's the last thing I, as a primarily service submissive, wants to hear.
It isn't that I don't want to do what Master tells me to but after I'm told to go sit then Master has to finish whatever I'd been trying to do.
I'm so glad I'm valued so much by Master. He has his own health problems but views me as sicker and more fragile so does as much as he possibly can to take care of me. In fact, one of my few rules is to take good care of myself. So, when I try to do too much Master reminds me that I'm supposed to be taking care of myself and usually that means resting.
To make me feel better about all of this, Master tells me things like "Go sit down and look cute" or other things to help me feel less worthless. I may not be actively doing things but at least I'm making his world more pleasant to look at. 
My health conditions are chronic, degenerative, and incurable. My life span may not be changed significantly but enough else is. All he and I can do is to take things easy and enjoy what we have.
I know I have to take care of myself if I'm going to be able to do anything else but it feels so selfish to be using all of my energy on myself and to tell Master 'no' even if he's told me that's what he wants.