Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I got my new cuff!

Master recently bought a 8" anklet from Eternity Collars and presented it to me soon after my birthday. I wear it on my left wrist. So far I'm quite happy with it.
Surprisingly it is quite oval which I didn't like at first but after 24 hours I realize that it is the perfect shape. I didn't want a lot of play in this so got a piece 0.5" larger than my wrist measurement. That means I'm wearing an anklet as a cuff so I don't know if the cuffs are also oval in shape.
Even with my hypermobile joints I can't compress my hand to slip the cuff off. Yet I can push it up my forearm and it will stay beneath a long sleeve even with my elbow bent. Another bonus is that I didn't have to move my chunky Fossil watch to my right wrist although I may to balance things out and avoid the possibility of scratching the case of the watch. Bathing with the cuff went well and I didn't knock myself out with it. No bruises so far either.
I have made an effort to keep a piece of fabric between the cuff and my laptop. I'm not sure the metal case would scratch but I don't like the sound of metal against metal. Just a quirky me thing and I doubt it would bother most people.
I haven't gone out in public much since getting it so I don't know if anyone will ask me about it. I'm a bit nervous about how to deal with questions but I'm fairly sure I can just fall back on 'it was a birthday present.'

That's the practical stuff, now the feelings stuff...
We had had a fairly bad day prior to my having the cuff simply locked onto my wrist. I had asked Master if we were going to do anything special when it arrived and he never did tell me so apparently the answer was 'no.' It was rather odd. I really didn't think I deserved to wear the cuff at all but Master just said something like 'Nonsense' and locked it on before walking away to leave me to my confusion.
While I do wish something special or at least pleasant could have happened the day I got the cuff locked on I'm glad Master saw fit to do so even on a day I thought I'd been 'bad.' Honestly, if Master waited for a day I truly felt I'd earned it to give it to me he might as well not have ordered it.
I smile when I fidget with it but frown when I look at it. Perhaps the feelings will sort themselves out eventually. I'm not sure how this symbol can be so reassuring and yet so disturbing at the same time.
Now each time I do something 'wrong' I want to beg to have it removed. I don't deserve it, I just proved that. It feels like it means so much to me but I'm not sure how much it can mean to someone who simply sat on the sofa, opened the mail, dealt with it, and then left to do important things.
That's a feeling. As such it doesn't have to make sense Master says. Even if he does get cranky about the things that make me sad and since I can't fix the things that make me sad usually I just try to fix being sad so as to help with Master's crankiness. What a pair we are. I have to remember that I did get a hug and I would have pouted if he'd taken it off once he'd confirmed that it was the best possible size for me. (I wish it were more snug but I think the next smaller size would be too tight especially if my wrist swelled.) It will be okay. This just had a bigger emotional impact than I predicted it would.
At least now I have something to reassure me that he chose me and wants me to be here. Even if I am confused by that most of the time. Truly deserving it I may never do in my eyes but it is his cuff to do with as he pleases and right now this is what pleases him. I don't have to understand it. I just wish I trusted that he wouldn't 'come to his senses' any minute now either.

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