Housework, self-care, pacing, obedience, and self-image

I tried to cook dinner a few months ago. Master does all of the cooking since I have trouble standing and am heat intolerant. Plus, even after 8 years of living together, he's not very good at finding partial tasks for me to do that would help him. I really wanted to take some of the burden of cooking off of him. Cooking used to be something that I enjoyed doing but due to health and bad experiences I haven't enjoyed it in several years. I tried to make Tomato Sauce with Onion and Butter. (fresh tomato version, vegan version) (I highly recommend this sauce. It's satisfying and tastes delicious.)
Master suggested I use the double boiler so there'd be less risk of the sauce burning. Of course I did as he suggested. The idea of not having to babysit the sauce appealed because it would mean less standing and fewer trips to the kitchen. I used the triple bottom sauce pan with the double boiler that came with it. Even with our gas stove this pan can be slow to heat up but heats very consistently so I wanted to use it. Unfortunately, while I got the water to boil the sauce itself never came to a boil. I tried to make do with the low simmer I had but the tomatoes just weren't breaking down.
After about two hours I asked Master to come take a look at dinner. He dumped out the water from the bottom pot and poured the sauce into it. I wasn't happy to have made more dirty dishes but at least now there was hope that dinner would actually cook.
Master loved the final sauce and wanted to add it to our regular meals. I wanted to cry. This hadn't been this simple, positive experience I'd been hoping for and needed. In fact, I wasn't sure if I should ever try cooking again.
My confidence blown I decided to focus on helping with the dishes. Master is the only person I know who can seriously cut himself washing dishes. That makes me want to protect him from the dishes. However I'm prone to dropping things and I don't want him to have to clean up broken glass or pottery. No matter how hard I'd try to clean up something I broke Master would still clean again to make sure both of us were safe.
As a baby step I decided to work harder at putting dishes away. Of course then we had a heat wave and I could barely stand up. Master doesn't like it when I'm in the kitchen and about to fall down. I can understand that.
Gradually, I slipped farther into a funk. I'm pathetic and useless. All Master does is take care of me. The more depressed I got the less motivation I had to force myself to do housework whenever I was at all able. It became this horrible cycle.
Master insists that I'm not lazy, I'm just taking care of myself. My point of view is a bit different. Stopping when I need to is taking care of myself (and thereby Master's property) but there's no reason that I'm not setting a timer for an hour and then trying again other than fear and laziness. At least, that's how I see it. I can feel capable when seated but as soon as I stand and take a few steps to the kitchen the unsteadiness increases dramatically. I'm amazingly glad I feel 'okay' seated or reclined but it does annoy the heck out of me that standing is so difficult and some things require standing in this house.
I have developed a fear of falling. To some degree it is a rational fear. Falls, especially in a cluttered kitchen, can lead to serious injury. That said, I haven't actually fallen in over a year. Master attributes that to my being careful but I'm not sure if I'm become overly cautious. Master values me and wants me to prioritize being careful and safe over almost everything else. Whereas I want to be useful and take good care of him. This difference in priorities can cause some problems.
I do my best to go with Master's priorities but I have a ways to go in feelings good about myself when I do. Right now I feel like I'm taking the easy way out. Ideally, I feel like I'd manage both. Taking care of myself, limiting how much Master has to worry about, and still reducing the work around the house for Master to do.

Master has asked me to cook that same dish a few more times. So far, it is the only thing I ever cook. I've singed it once but otherwise it gets slightly easier every time. Honestly, I think Master is right to pick one dish to help me work on my cooking confidence. I feel a bit less useless too.
Putting dishes and groceries away isn't going well. I've been experiencing a lot of nausea and dizziness. Plus, Master is the one who uses the kitchen so things need to be put away where they are easy for him to access. Our little metal box of a home leaves much to be desired in the areas of storage and organization and so it is daunting task to put things away in such a way that he'll approve.

Also, I'm working on changing the order that I do things in. I used to get up and put the dishes away and then couldn't make myself breakfast. So, Master would end up making me food when he got up a few hours later. Master has convinced me that I need to take care of myself first. If I do that I'm more likely to be able to do more than the bare minimum to survival. While I'd rather do things to help Master first I know it doesn't help Master for him to have to take care of me as soon as he gets up even if that means he has to put an extra drainer full of dishes away.

Occasionally he'll ask me to do something and it will take me some time to finish the what I'm already doing for him so he'll just go ahead and do the task. He says it's the same as when I've asked for help with something and then, after waiting some variable length of time, just try to do it myself. Problem is, Master has a very bad sense of time and I've lived with him long enough that my sense of time is shot too-just not in the same way his is. So, he'll think he gave me 'plenty of time' and it felt like less than five minutes to me. Or I'll think I gave him an hour to get around to helping me and he'll think it's been 5 seconds. While Master doesn't make a value judgement about my performance when I've taken too long-I do. When I don't remind him that I asked for something and instead try to get it myself he feels bad while I'll just assume he has more important things to do.
None of this would be an issue if I wasn't so slow at everything and if I didn't ask for so much help. This is another reason to be more diligent in my pacing and self-care - hopefully I'll be bale to safely avoid asking for help and do things more swiftly.

Finding Accessible Kink Info

I was first introduced to kink by a blind boyfriend back in college during the mid '90s. Thank goodness for the Usenet newsgroups alt.sex.wizards and soc.subculture.bdsm because I knew absolutely nothing and he desperately wanted a Domme. #Femdomme on IRC was, erm, interesting to say the least but I sure wasn't going to learn the basics there. While each FAQ I read had good information if I remember right they often pointed to books to learn more.
Now, books are great unless you can't read them. I have a few options for reading works in print. The first is the Library of Congress' National Library Service. While the NLS does have the Beauty fiction series in its' collection that's about as far as it goes. Another option is RFB&D but they are focused on reading course materials for students and similar academic/technical books. The newest option is Bookshare who I'm happy to say does have Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns but it is very unlikely that they will have books on every kinky topic a person might be interested in.
If a print book I want to read is not available via one of these services I have two options. The first is to have someone read the book aloud and preferable record them doing so. I don't like asking my Master to do that and I don't want to ask my regular readers to read kink materials.
The next option is to scan the book page by page and then run it though some form of optical character recognition software. With a book edge scanner the scanning is tedious but fairly easy. With a standard scanner it is best to take the book to a place like Kinkos and have the spine cut off. (Despite the name of the place I'm still not sure I want to take my pervy books into a shop in our small town.) OCR tech has vastly improved over the years and it will be fairly accurate but there are always problems especially if the layout is creative.
The world wide web has been a great resource for me. Usually I can find basic information by using Google with SafeSearch off. However, articles online still tend to refer to books.
Kinky conferences are also fairly popular these days. I haven't been to one since they can be more expensive than buying a book and one has to be healthy enough to attend. That said, they're great options depending on your accessibility needs.
Kink Academy is an interesting option. From my understanding most of the material is presented via video. I don't pretend to think that this is the best option for totally blind kinksters. However for partials who use screen enlargement software or people with learning disabilities that make it hard to read print this could be a great option. Also, home bound auditory or visual learners might really like this.
Currently Submissive Guide is having a contest to win a one year membership to Kink Academy. I'd love to win so I can edit this post with first-hand experience with Kink Academy. I've gotten to a point in my learning about myself and my submission that Google searches when something comes to mind for me or my Master no longer meets my needs.

Thoughts caused by Bob Flanagan and 'SICK'

Some weeks ago, someone on FetLife mentioned Bob Flanagan and how he had influenced their life. I'd never heard of him before so I did a bit of research and was surprised to find the movie about him on Netflix, it is called Sick: The Life and Death of Bob Flanagan, Suprmasochist. One day, I wasn't feeling well enough to play MMORPGs but wanted to do *something* so I settled in to stream the movie by myself.
Watching the scenes where Bob performs some of his poetry I got to thinking about my origins in kink. Like Bob, I had a lot of medical experiences at a very young age. My parents talk about how hard it was for them to see me strapped down to a papoose board for eye exams. Luckily for me, I was done eye operations around age two and all was left after that was every three month pressure checks that I could handle without sedation by elementary school.
It is hard for me to believe that pre-verbal experiences that can still cause panic attacks could have lead to my adult sexuality. Well, I could see it if I was strongly opposed to bondage but that's not the case. I would by no means say it is a fetish or I'm hardcore but I do feel positively towards light bondage and I might like more if my body could let me experience it. 
Another thing that came up is that Bob experienced pain from a pre-verbal time, just like me. I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome which is a genetic collagen disorder. Also, I have Fibromyalgia which I may have had since early childhood. Plus, at about 12 I got what I called 'the flu that wouldn't end.' (Still hasn't and I'm 33. There's a chance it was the beginning of myalgic encephalomyelitis/CFS.) Did my lifetime of pain cause me to like consensual pain? 
I don't like pain overall. I really don't like the pain from my messed up body. (Dislocating your hip can really frakking hurt.) I want that pain managed as well as possible. That doesn't mean that I don't get off on pain at times. Plus, the higher my baseline pain level is the less likely it is that I'll find any sensation pleasurable.
Yes, I had a period of self-injury in my past but honestly, in terms of sexual enjoyment that pain works much better when it isn't self-induced. However, there's still context. I won't get off on having one of my hips dislocate during sex even if I'm currently getting off on having my breast squeezed. 
I think it comes down to control but if that's the case, why am I submissive? I'm giving up control to someone else. However, I chose to give consent to Master without the extenuating pressuring circumstances that tends to accompany medical care. Master is someone I trust and not simply because some authority figure says I should or he has a pretty piece of paper. 


The part of 'SICK' that scared me the most was the conversation between Bob and his wife Sheree where she asked him to at least mentally submit to him. I wanted to hug Bob and had such mixed feelings towards Sheree. Sometimes I feel that my body is a separate entity and it is the head Dominant in my setup. Both Master and I have to submit to the whims and limits of my body. I suspect that Bob's Cystic Fibrosis was demanding so much from him and had taken so much from him that he had very little left for himself much less his Domme. I'm hopefully not within a year of my death but I can still relate to not having it in me to sub. It can be difficult to achieve that headspace when distracted by extreme pain, shortness of breath, pulse and blood pressure irregularities, and abdominal pain. Oddly, when not dealing with 'all of the above' I can sub and find it liberating, calming, fun, and all sorts of pleasant things. With 'all of the above' I go into survival mode and I can't risk submission. Risk? I don't have another way to put it. I'm afraid to let go. If I do I might 'lose' to the body-Domme who decidedly doesn't take good care of her property, unlike Master. 

Managing the Housework by Using a PCA

My PCA (Personal Care Attendant) is here. Asking for one was a hard decision. I'd been told that I could only get help if I was housebound and Master appreciates it if I go to the store with him whenever possible and go to his medical appointments with him. So, I was unwilling to give that up just to get help with the chores.
However, about two years ago I got desperate. The house was a nightmare and I was getting sicker due to the condition of our bathroom. Master was making himself sick trying to take care of me, cook, and keep up with the dishes. I made some calls asking about 'chore assistance' and got lucky. The program I'm enrolled in doesn't require that I be housebound and uses a sliding fee scale. Currently I get two hours a week of help. That can change if my needs change. For example, if Master can't drive for some reason I can call and my PCA can pick up my medicine from the pharmacy and go grocery shopping for us.
Currently she does dishes, sweeps, vacuums, mops, changes my bed, dusts, and cleans the kitchen and bath, and shovels our walk in the winter. I can ask for help with other 'light' occasional tasks such as cleaning the oven or freezer but not windows. Other than the snow, we still have to hire someone else to tend to the outside of our home.
I really feel like I should be doing all this for my Master myself but I can't. I have to accept that. The responsible thing to do is to make sure that things are taken care of somehow. What tools I utilize really isn't the important point.
Master really appreciates what my PCA does but he doesn't want to have to deal with her. So, it is my job to manage her. I have some experience with managing people from using readers during college but that was ten years ago. Plus, she tends to go to him with more 'technical' problems like with the vacuum cleaner.
Master really is a dear about the need for a PCA. He knows that dealing with her isn't easy for either of us and makes a real effort to be awake when she's here so he can support me if I get flustered. In turn, I make a a real effort to give my PCA the best instructions I can and to make sure the things Master wants done get done.
One benefit of having a PCA is that for two hours a week Master can relax to a degree. The dishes will get done. Someone else is in the house who can come get him if I fall or have an asthma attack. For those two house he can just relax and write or play games without worrying about me. It's great.

Asking for help

Recently Master felt I was ready for a new rule. Unfortunately he made this decision after learning that I decided that I could do without something because I just didn't have the energy to find it and I didn't want to ask him to help me get it. *facepalm* When will I ever learn to keep my mouth shut?
So now I have to ask for help if I need it. I asked Master how to decide if I really needed help or if I was just being lazy. His answer was rather straightforward even if I didn't quite understand it. Lazy people don't do things because they just don't want to but they could without negative consequence. I don't do things because I really don't feel well enough or I'm afraid of the consequences. By Master's definitions that means I can't recall a time I've been lazy.
This is one of those time I'm glad to be working with Master's definitions of things rather than my own.
By far this is the hardest rule for me to follow. In my mind I'm supposed to take care of my Master or at least do what I can to minimize how much work I make for him. This seem so directly cause him to have to do more.
Master has explained that he wants to take care of me and if he knows I'll ask for help when I need it then he'll worry less. Yes, I grasp that it is bad to make my Master worry. My particular Master would rather do some physical work if it means fewer worries about my health and well being. I have to remember that I'm the submissive and it isn't necessary for me to understand. I want to understand but I just don't feel capable of understanding this.

A bit of background.

The most common command from Master these days is "Go sit down." That's the last thing I, as a primarily service submissive, wants to hear.
It isn't that I don't want to do what Master tells me to but after I'm told to go sit then Master has to finish whatever I'd been trying to do.
I'm so glad I'm valued so much by Master. He has his own health problems but views me as sicker and more fragile so does as much as he possibly can to take care of me. In fact, one of my few rules is to take good care of myself. So, when I try to do too much Master reminds me that I'm supposed to be taking care of myself and usually that means resting.
To make me feel better about all of this, Master tells me things like "Go sit down and look cute" or other things to help me feel less worthless. I may not be actively doing things but at least I'm making his world more pleasant to look at. 
My health conditions are chronic, degenerative, and incurable. My life span may not be changed significantly but enough else is. All he and I can do is to take things easy and enjoy what we have.
I know I have to take care of myself if I'm going to be able to do anything else but it feels so selfish to be using all of my energy on myself and to tell Master 'no' even if he's told me that's what he wants.