Decorating Master's Sofa

Sex Toys and Your Septic System

2011-11-06T14:49:00.000-05:00

Sex Toys and Your Septic System

I know this isn't a pleasant topic. However, as someone who uses a septic system I thought I'd bring it up.
Septic systems can be found in individual homes, trailer parks, and developments. If you're not sure if you're on public sewer or have a septic tank then its probably in your best interest to find out. If your water bill does not include charges for sewer then it is more likely that you're on septic.
Usually, septic systems are fairly low maintenance except for needing to be inspected every 3 years and possibly pumped out. What you put down your drains and toilet can drastically change how your septic system works.
Now, if you live in a park or development I realize you are not personally paying for septic tank maintenance and you're only contributing a fraction of what goes into the tanks but I'm willing to guess that poor septic tank habits will be reflected long term in your lot rent or homeowners association fees.
To oversimplify things, bacteria are fundamental to a septic system. Bacteria eat what they can that enters the tank so that liquid enters a drain field and sludge remains of the bottom. It's that sludge that needs to be pumped out by a honey truck once it is built up.
Now, a healthy septic system can handle a certain degree of normal household chemicals. Having a separate system for laundry waste, for example, usually is not necessary. However, a lot of kinky people I know tend to be, well, clean freaks. (No offense intended.)
Using bleach, antibacterial soap, antiseptics, disinfectant, chemical cleaners, and detergents can be bad for your septic system. If they are used in small quantities throughout the week then it is probably okay. But, a massive cleaning spree is probably not a good idea especially if you use inefficient appliances. (Lots of water is actually bad for a septic system.)
So, what are our options when it comes to cleaning sex toys? What I would do is buy toys that can be boiled or cleaned in the dishwasher without detergent. I'd water my plants with the water I'd boiled my toys in. Also, exposing your toys to sunlight can kill most things, it just isn't a speedy process. (citation)
The thing is, not all toys can be cleaned this way. The common recommendation is to use antibacterial soap or a 10% bleach solution and in moderation this should be fine for your septic system. Just be aware, that if you're cleaning up after a party or a big day of play that you are putting stress on your septic system. So, this might be a good day to skip doing laundry or other heavy cleaning.
The verdict on additives such as Rid–X seems to be mixed. I personally use it occasionally and/or dump any spoiled milk we have down the drain to help the tank.
Your septic system ideally is a balanced ecosystem. The good news is that normally that ecosystem is rather robust. The bad news, is that when that ecosystem isn't working well it can lead to very costly problems that in my book are best avoided with a little prevention.

References:
http://www.septiconline.com/index_files/whateveryoneshouldknowaboutseptictanksystems.htm
http://www.swopnet.com/engr/Septic_Tanks/4-septic-tank-tips.shtml
http://www.health.state.ny.us/environmental/outdoors/septic/

Housework, self-care, pacing, obedience, and self-image

2011-05-02T00:34:00.000-04:00

I tried to cook dinner a few months ago. Master does all of the cooking since I have trouble standing and am heat intolerant. Plus, even after 8 years of living together, he's not very good at finding partial tasks for me to do that would help him. I really wanted to take some of the burden of cooking off of him. Cooking used to be something that I enjoyed doing but due to health and bad experiences I haven't enjoyed it in several years. I tried to make Tomato Sauce with Onion and Butter. (fresh tomato version, vegan version) (I highly recommend this sauce. It's satisfying and tastes delicious.)
Master suggested I use the double boiler so there'd be less risk of the sauce burning. Of course I did as he suggested. The idea of not having to babysit the sauce appealed because it would mean less standing and fewer trips to the kitchen. I used the triple bottom sauce pan with the double boiler that came with it. Even with our gas stove this pan can be slow to heat up but heats very consistently so I wanted to use it. Unfortunately, while I got the water to boil the sauce itself never came to a boil. I tried to make do with the low simmer I had but the tomatoes just weren't breaking down.
After about two hours I asked Master to come take a look at dinner. He dumped out the water from the bottom pot and poured the sauce into it. I wasn't happy to have made more dirty dishes but at least now there was hope that dinner would actually cook.
Master loved the final sauce and wanted to add it to our regular meals. I wanted to cry. This hadn't been this simple, positive experience I'd been hoping for and needed. In fact, I wasn't sure if I should ever try cooking again.
My confidence blown I decided to focus on helping with the dishes. Master is the only person I know who can seriously cut himself washing dishes. That makes me want to protect him from the dishes. However I'm prone to dropping things and I don't want him to have to clean up broken glass or pottery. No matter how hard I'd try to clean up something I broke Master would still clean again to make sure both of us were safe.
As a baby step I decided to work harder at putting dishes away. Of course then we had a heat wave and I could barely stand up. Master doesn't like it when I'm in the kitchen and about to fall down. I can understand that.
Gradually, I slipped farther into a funk. I'm pathetic and useless. All Master does is take care of me. The more depressed I got the less motivation I had to force myself to do housework whenever I was at all able. It became this horrible cycle.
Master insists that I'm not lazy, I'm just taking care of myself. My point of view is a bit different. Stopping when I need to is taking care of myself (and thereby Master's property) but there's no reason that I'm not setting a timer for an hour and then trying again other than fear and laziness. At least, that's how I see it. I can feel capable when seated but as soon as I stand and take a few steps to the kitchen the unsteadiness increases dramatically. I'm amazingly glad I feel 'okay' seated or reclined but it does annoy the heck out of me that standing is so difficult and some things require standing in this house.
I have developed a fear of falling. To some degree it is a rational fear. Falls, especially in a cluttered kitchen, can lead to serious injury. That said, I haven't actually fallen in over a year. Master attributes that to my being careful but I'm not sure if I'm become overly cautious. Master values me and wants me to prioritize being careful and safe over almost everything else. Whereas I want to be useful and take good care of him. This difference in priorities can cause some problems.
I do my best to go with Master's priorities but I have a ways to go in feelings good about myself when I do. Right now I feel like I'm taking the easy way out. Ideally, I feel like I'd manage both. Taking care of myself, limiting how much Master has to worry about, and still reducing the work around the house for Master to do.

Master has asked me to cook that same dish a few more times. So far, it is the only thing I ever cook. I've singed it once but otherwise it gets slightly easier every time. Honestly, I think Master is right to pick one dish to help me work on my cooking confidence. I feel a bit less useless too.
Putting dishes and groceries away isn't going well. I've been experiencing a lot of nausea and dizziness. Plus, Master is the one who uses the kitchen so things need to be put away where they are easy for him to access. Our little metal box of a home leaves much to be desired in the areas of storage and organization and so it is daunting task to put things away in such a way that he'll approve.

Also, I'm working on changing the order that I do things in. I used to get up and put the dishes away and then couldn't make myself breakfast. So, Master would end up making me food when he got up a few hours later. Master has convinced me that I need to take care of myself first. If I do that I'm more likely to be able to do more than the bare minimum to survival. While I'd rather do things to help Master first I know it doesn't help Master for him to have to take care of me as soon as he gets up even if that means he has to put an extra drainer full of dishes away.

Occasionally he'll ask me to do something and it will take me some time to finish the what I'm already doing for him so he'll just go ahead and do the task. He says it's the same as when I've asked for help with something and then, after waiting some variable length of time, just try to do it myself. Problem is, Master has a very bad sense of time and I've lived with him long enough that my sense of time is shot too-just not in the same way his is. So, he'll think he gave me 'plenty of time' and it felt like less than five minutes to me. Or I'll think I gave him an hour to get around to helping me and he'll think it's been 5 seconds. While Master doesn't make a value judgement about my performance when I've taken too long-I do. When I don't remind him that I asked for something and instead try to get it myself he feels bad while I'll just assume he has more important things to do.
None of this would be an issue if I wasn't so slow at everything and if I didn't ask for so much help. This is another reason to be more diligent in my pacing and self-care - hopefully I'll be bale to safely avoid asking for help and do things more swiftly.

Finding Accessible Kink Info

2010-12-19T02:17:00.000-05:00

I was first introduced to kink by a blind boyfriend back in college during the mid '90s. Thank goodness for the Usenet newsgroups alt.sex.wizards and soc.subculture.bdsm because I knew absolutely nothing and he desperately wanted a Domme. #Femdomme on IRC was, erm, interesting to say the least but I sure wasn't going to learn the basics there. While each FAQ I read had good information if I remember right they often pointed to books to learn more.
Now, books are great unless you can't read them. I have a few options for reading works in print. The first is the Library of Congress' National Library Service. While the NLS does have the Beauty fiction series in its' collection that's about as far as it goes. Another option is RFB&D but they are focused on reading course materials for students and similar academic/technical books. The newest option is Bookshare who I'm happy to say does have Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns but it is very unlikely that they will have books on every kinky topic a person might be interested in.
If a print book I want to read is not available via one of these services I have two options. The first is to have someone read the book aloud and preferable record them doing so. I don't like asking my Master to do that and I don't want to ask my regular readers to read kink materials.
The next option is to scan the book page by page and then run it though some form of optical character recognition software. With a book edge scanner the scanning is tedious but fairly easy. With a standard scanner it is best to take the book to a place like Kinkos and have the spine cut off. (Despite the name of the place I'm still not sure I want to take my pervy books into a shop in our small town.) OCR tech has vastly improved over the years and it will be fairly accurate but there are always problems especially if the layout is creative.
The world wide web has been a great resource for me. Usually I can find basic information by using Google with SafeSearch off. However, articles online still tend to refer to books.
Kinky conferences are also fairly popular these days. I haven't been to one since they can be more expensive than buying a book and one has to be healthy enough to attend. That said, they're great options depending on your accessibility needs.
Kink Academy is an interesting option. From my understanding most of the material is presented via video. I don't pretend to think that this is the best option for totally blind kinksters. However for partials who use screen enlargement software or people with learning disabilities that make it hard to read print this could be a great option. Also, home bound auditory or visual learners might really like this.
Currently Submissive Guide is having a contest to win a one year membership to Kink Academy. I'd love to win so I can edit this post with first-hand experience with Kink Academy. I've gotten to a point in my learning about myself and my submission that Google searches when something comes to mind for me or my Master no longer meets my needs.

Sexuality, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, and Me

2010-06-19T17:54:00.001-04:00

Okay, normally I'd put this post on my regular blog but I don't want to make that one Adult. So, there won't be a lot of kink content here. If you've come here from a search, be warned there may be some content that's quite graphic and kinky.
What follows is an explanation/list of how my EDS changes my sex life. Each person with EDS is different so all these things might not happen to everyone and something might happen to you that doesn't happen to me.
I've learned that orgasm is the best possible muscle relaxer for me. While it isn't guaranteed to work for me, it won't make me worse the way things like Flexaril will. So, I like to try to have an orgasm when my muscles are really bothering me. I still like sex despite the problems listed here.
Sex with EDS can be tricky. I'm lucky in that most of my skin is more prone to stretch than to tear. However skin associated with mucus membranes, like that of my vulva, is much more likely to tear. It doesn't take rough monkey sex for tearing to happen either. Usually, after sex I'll have to be very careful to lean forward to pee for about a week until I'm all healed up.
Even prior to orgasm sex or masturbation tends to be a fun and relaxing activity. This means that subluxations and dislocations are more likely. Combine that with the athleticism that is involved in even the missionary position are you have a recipe for problems. There are some sexual positions that do not involve spread legs even for a death fat woman but I haven't mastered them.
Many companies make positioning aids including firm foam furniture and assist straps. I haven't tried any of the specialty products because most are out of my price range or I'm just not sure whatever will work for two death fat people with disabilities. (If you'd be interested in having people like us test/review your product then please leave a comment or email me.)
Just to be clear, unplanned subluxations and dislocations do not count as Good Pain in my book. Unplanned labia tears that make it hard to pee don't count either. Although, I gladly deal with them. However, I'd be much happier if I could find a way to avoid these things.
I sometimes find vaginal penetration painful. Now this could be caused by my endometriosis or ovarian cysts but both are being well managed at the moment. So, my guess is that it is being caused by my uterus or other pelvic organs prolapsing, yet another aspect of EDS. (I'm trying pelvic floor exercises with Smartballs to help with this and minor stress incontinence.)
For fellatio, I have problems with my jaw. If I open my jaw too far it can pop out. My neck is highly unstable and movement can trigger headaches, nausea, dizziness, and muscle spasms. So, I have to be very careful. I doubt that my horrid gag reflex is related to my EDS.
Anal play can also be difficult. EDS can cause constipation or other GI distress. GI problems so bad that a complete clean out isn't possible. The problems with collagen can lead to hemorrhoids or tears that can get in the way or cause pain. If I relax enough to make anal sex possible then my hips have lost any concept of 'located'.
Digital stimulation can also be complicated by EDS. I first dislocated my right thumb during a weekend in bed with my girlfriend at the time. Stopping to put small joints back in place will break a rhythm but doesn't take long. I don't have good hand strength, my gross motor is iffy, but my fine motor is comparatively good. This seems to vary from person to person. Also wearing splinting during sex can be awkward, messy, or lead to injuring your partner with hard plastic edges.
Another thing about EDS is the mark-ability factor. If I have a doctor's appointment coming up I basically have to skip activities for about a week so I won't show up with hickeys or other weird marks that might get someone called because the doctor suspects some form of abuse.
After orgasm I'm experiencing sharp low pelvic pain. It may be caused by movement of the pubic bone or pubic synthesis. This is a definite disincentive from orgasm.
Now, I don't only engage in partnered fun. Masturbation is fun and relaxing. However I don't lubricate well so I need lube even for external stimulation with a vibrator. Also, I can have trouble holding onto a vibrator. Self-digital stimulation is out due to my bendy fingers.
I feel like I'm painting a pretty bleak picture. In a way, I am. However, there is enjoyment. Sex still serves as a way to foster connection. Overall, it's still worth having. Gradually we may rely more and more on power exchange, sensation play, and other forms of ‘kinky’ fun. I'm glad to have the options.

Twilight & BDSM

2010-04-30T18:52:00.001-04:00

A few vanilla friends of mine are Twi-hards. A few others enjoy posting links to stories to Twitter about how anti-feminist the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer is and how horribly written the books are. Eventually I decided to make up my own mind by reading the books. Due to my legal blindness I chose to read them on CD. AFAIK, all my copies were unabridged.
I devoured the books. Poor Master got to listen to me babble about the latest interesting tidbit from the books or my latest mini-rant about how clueless the articles I'd been reading seemed. A few times Master even had me restart a track so he could better hear something he'd only partially heard. *giggles* I admit asking him to sit few a few tracks to see if I was imagining my kinky interpretation of what I was reading.
I read the books a few months ago and I've concluded that in order to truly flesh out this piece I'm going to have to re-read the series. Honestly, they aren't high on my to-read list at the moment so I think I'm going to post this and will possibly post more later.

Apparently I'm not crazy. Twilight as Girl Crack by Sarah J seems to indicate that I'm not the only one noticing a kinky tone to the series. It isn't overt, this is a Young Adult series after all. Frankly, when I was a young adult trying to figure out my sexuality I probably would have related with Bella Swan but the Twilight series wouldn't have been the best into to kink in my opinion.
Who knows if the kink is intentional. I doubt it. If you listen to The DungeonPlace Podcast for long enough you'll probably overhear the theory that Mormon girls are pretty much brought up to be service submissives. Bella strikes me as a service sub. She seems happy taking care of those around her. She doesn't seem to be a neat freak because her own room is described as being in a normal amount of teenage disarray. That tells me that her housekeeping is about helping others and the act of service rather than the look of the results.
Bella and Edward Cullen never seemed to have formalized their Domination/submission relationship but neither did they ever seem to discuss the point when they officially began dating. It is a dynamic that they both seem to have unconsciously and naturally slipped into. This lack of communication is part of why I feel that Twilight isn't a good intro to BDSM for young people.
One example of the power exchange they engage in the way that they kiss. While Bella asks, sometimes insistently, for what she wants. Edward is always the one in control. Yes, he has to be in control of himself but he also takes control of Bella and her actions. He controls how far the kissing goes and how long it lasts.
Many people see Bella as a bad role model for girls because of her submissive relationship with Edward and to some extent Charlie Swan, her father. Bella is not submissive by default and isn't even submissive with Edward when they aren't dating. I'm specifically referring to the period of time after Edward left her and prior to their reconciliation after the trip to Italy.
Bella does stand up for what she doesn't want. However, she does think about the feelings of those she cares about. There are limits to that, however. Dating Jacob Black would clearly make Charlie the most happy but Bella stands her ground and refuses to do so because that won't make her happy in the long run. Whenever people want to coerce Bella into doing what they think is best, they seem to remind her about Charlie. Bella does consider Charlie but there are times she puts her own wants, needs, and feelings over those of Charlie. I think this shows that she is not completely submissive to Charile. She's even done this when Charlie and Edward would agree, iirc.

It isn't clear if Bella likes the bruises that come with sex with Edward prior to being changed or if she's simply willing to accept them as inevitable. So, I'm not clear on if there is more than power exchange here for Bella and Edward. Power Exchange is enough to build a kinky relationship on. While I think most relationships eventually incorporate sensation play, bondage, or impact play it is by no means required.

My collar from Kitten Cream - a review

2010-03-04T03:04:00.002-05:00

A few months ago Master treated me to a new collar from Kitten Cream.

I have a large neck for a female and as far as I know they didn't bat an eye at my 17.5" collar which has about 1" of adjustment. The adjustment is done with velcro so there is some risk of getting your hair caught or damaged but I haven't had a problem as long as I'm careful.
My collar has a toggle clasp which I find easy to use. It is quite thick and sturdy and easy to manipulate while not clashing with the aesthetics of the collar. I haven't had a day where I couldn't put it on independently.
The inside is smooth and there's only one spot where I can feel a trace of what I'm guessing is a knot of clear thread against the backing fabric. I was worried that this would cause some discomfort but I'm incredibly comfortable even with my sensitive skin. The edges are rounded. I haven't worn this collar in the summer so I don't know how well it handles sweat.
The bondage ring in the center front looks nice and has handled some light tugging and being attached to my tether. This is where my only small complaint is. At one point the D ring O ring combination fell off. Luckily I found all the pieces. Apparently, the plate that holds the D ring to the collar is held onto the collar with screw on rivets. My guess is that as my collar has slid around my neck one of the rivets had come unscrewed. Master was unable to fix it but I was able to screw the pieces back together with the help of a towel for grip and friction. (I have good fine motor skills compared to my gross motor so randomly I can pull something like this off.) Also, the rivets may be slightly crooked but honestly it isn't noticeable from a distance.
I don't wear this out in public because it is a bondage collar but if it were a plain collar I'd be okay with wearing this around people unless I know they're nosy.

FTC: This was purchased by my partner with his own money. We are not affiliated with the company.

I'm amazed I'm not in trouble

2010-02-12T13:43:00.000-05:00

So, my tendency to say 'I'm sorry' came to a head today. It was awful. We both yelled and I cried a great deal. Well, Master is the Master so I've finally agreed to give this up and stop saying 'I'm sorry.' However, I did stand up for myself and admit to him that I'm horrible at determining when it is an okay time to say 'I'm sorry' so that I need him to tell me if he wants an apology from me. Master has agreed to do his best to tell me when I really have done something he wants an 'I'm sorry' for and otherwise I'll do my best not to say it. I also told Master that it is very scary for me.
I honestly don't know what will come from this. Right now I just hope that I'll annoy Master less. I suspect that Master hopes it will help my self-concept.
At one point during our talk about whether I should be allowed to determine if I have done something to apologize for myself because I'm inside my head and I know my intentions and my feelings I actually said something like the following: "I agreed to you being my Dom but not my God." I proceeded to start to freak the heck out and luckily for me Master starts cracking jokes about "People who believe in Gosh get durned to heck." Whew, was I lucky there!

Later on I'm laying in bed after Master tucked me in with the laptop. He brought me some lemonade to try to get me un-dizzy and we both realized that I'm not usually dizzy at this angle. "Now I'm starting to fret" he said. 'You're not allowed to yell at me when you're worried about me" I teased. Surprisingly he said "I'll do my best." Again I was surprised to not be in trouble. "Okay, I'll do my best not to worry you just so you won't yell at me". We both got a good laugh and now Master is threatening me with a new t-shirt that says "I will not worry Master just so he won't yell at me." He thinks it is funny, I suspect most people would go 'baroo?'

The flea is this weekend. We really wish we could go. Have a great time. I'll go virtually via Twitter I guess. :)

Thoughts caused by Bob Flanagan and 'SICK'

2010-02-07T16:27:00.000-05:00

Some weeks ago, someone on FetLife mentioned Bob Flanagan and how he had influenced their life. I'd never heard of him before so I did a bit of research and was surprised to find the movie about him on Netflix, it is called Sick: The Life and Death of Bob Flanagan, Suprmasochist. One day, I wasn't feeling well enough to play MMORPGs but wanted to do *something* so I settled in to stream the movie by myself.
Watching the scenes where Bob performs some of his poetry I got to thinking about my origins in kink. Like Bob, I had a lot of medical experiences at a very young age. My parents talk about how hard it was for them to see me strapped down to a papoose board for eye exams. Luckily for me, I was done eye operations around age two and all was left after that was every three month pressure checks that I could handle without sedation by elementary school.
It is hard for me to believe that pre-verbal experiences that can still cause panic attacks could have lead to my adult sexuality. Well, I could see it if I was strongly opposed to bondage but that's not the case. I would by no means say it is a fetish or I'm hardcore but I do feel positively towards light bondage and I might like more if my body could let me experience it.
Another thing that came up is that Bob experienced pain from a pre-verbal time, just like me. I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome which is a genetic collagen disorder. Also, I have Fibromyalgia which I may have had since early childhood. Plus, at about 12 I got what I called 'the flu that wouldn't end.' (Still hasn't and I'm 33. There's a chance it was the beginning of myalgic encephalomyelitis/CFS.) Did my lifetime of pain cause me to like consensual pain?
I don't like pain overall. I really don't like the pain from my messed up body. (Dislocating your hip can really frakking hurt.) I want that pain managed as well as possible. That doesn't mean that I don't get off on pain at times. Plus, the higher my baseline pain level is the less likely it is that I'll find any sensation pleasurable.
Yes, I had a period of self-injury in my past but honestly, in terms of sexual enjoyment that pain works much better when it isn't self-induced. However, there's still context. I won't get off on having one of my hips dislocate during sex even if I'm currently getting off on having my breast squeezed.
I think it comes down to control but if that's the case, why am I submissive? I'm giving up control to someone else. However, I chose to give consent to Master without the extenuating pressuring circumstances that tends to accompany medical care. Master is someone I trust and not simply because some authority figure says I should or he has a pretty piece of paper.

The part of 'SICK' that scared me the most was the conversation between Bob and his wife Sheree where she asked him to at least mentally submit to him. I wanted to hug Bob and had such mixed feelings towards Sheree. Sometimes I feel that my body is a separate entity and it is the head Dominant in my setup. Both Master and I have to submit to the whims and limits of my body. I suspect that Bob's Cystic Fibrosis was demanding so much from him and had taken so much from him that he had very little left for himself much less his Domme. I'm hopefully not within a year of my death but I can still relate to not having it in me to sub. It can be difficult to achieve that headspace when distracted by extreme pain, shortness of breath, pulse and blood pressure irregularities, and abdominal pain. Oddly, when not dealing with 'all of the above' I can sub and find it liberating, calming, fun, and all sorts of pleasant things. With 'all of the above' I go into survival mode and I can't risk submission. Risk? I don't have another way to put it. I'm afraid to let go. If I do I might 'lose' to the body-Domme who decidedly doesn't take good care of her property, unlike Master.

Getting Support as a Sub

2010-01-31T01:51:00.001-05:00

I'm not going to give any solutions here. I just don't have any. That's part of the point. However, I do realize that this may apply to my particular dynamic of male dominant and female submissive.

Every relationship has problems. Mine with Master is no exception. While we try to work out our problems between ourselves there are times when one of us needs a friend or some outside help.

I've tried talking to old friends about my relationship and any frustrations I have that come up and have learned that it is generally a bad idea.
My friends know my history of abusive partners and are on the lookout for my continuing that pattern. This shows how much they care about me and I do appreciate that however, sometimes they gauge a situation wrong. I also tend to be submissive in general and that causes warning signs for them that aren't really necessary in my opinion because Master is good to me.
Also, my friends are quite liberal. So, they're open minded in many ways. However, most of them firmly believe that because I'm female and my partner is male that I'm at risk for Domestic Violence. Honestly, Master is at more risk from me but I'd never convince my friends of that.
My friends are my friends and by and large don't know Master. So when something comes up they're going to side with me. Plus, they just don't have a full unbiased perspective on things and can't get it from me.

Occasionally, I'll end up talking to my Mom about things. Now, I'm not 'out' to her and I never could be. She's a Feminist and from what I can tell she sees my submissive personality as anti-Feminist. Yes, I have a Master, but I'd like to think that I'd treat any partner of mine with respect. The efforts I take to show my partner respect seem to confound my Mom and say to her that I have no self-respect.

I've looked for ideas and support on various internet sites that focus on BDSM, in hopes that there the BDSM won't be a barrier to getting support. There's some very good information out there depending on what you are looking for. However, perhaps it is how I tend to read things or the information I found, but the impression I sometimes get is 'if it isn't abuse then the submissive should focus on him or herself.' I'm very glad that I'm not being abused. I'm willing to do a lot of work on myself however this approach hasn't been good for me long term. No matter how much I've tried to change my attitudes and worked on my communication skills it just didn't seem to improve the situation at home and my still being unhappy just seemed to indicate that I just needed to try harder/better/differently.

If my Master does a few things that hurt me and make it hard for me to be what he wants or how he already sees me, I don't necessarily want to throw my relationship in the trash if there's anything that can be done about it. However, I sometimes feel that there's a focus on the sub should do all the changing and if they have a problem with their current Master then they should go find a new one or just shut up/hide the pain better. Not my ideal solution, partly because I can't seem to hide my pain from my Master and that causes him pain. Plus, he doesn't want me to go so I have to find a way to work things out.

I've done years of individual therapy to help me with my personal issues. My most recent therapist, K, was excellent but I have to admit to not being entirely honest with her. Since I'd finally found someone who I trusted and was making progress with, I was hesitant to do anything that might damage that relationship.
One of the best things about K was that she remembered that I was giving her my perspective on the situations in my life and reminded me of that. She gave me the best advice she could on how to help myself and to best evaluate my life.
Eventually K recommend couples therapy so that someone could hear from both of us. We tried less than a handful of sessions with K but since K was *my* therapist neither of us felt entirely comfortable. Partly he felt he was taking away from my time. I was concerned that Master might feel K was biased in my favor.

So, we opted for couples therapy. Again, while the therapist said he was willing to talk about sex with us we did not disclose our D/s dynamic. We'd never met with this person before and he was a student. The couples therapy made things worse. The T managed to push all of the buttons that both Master and I have. I felt I was pushed to go against my nature and what we'd laid out for the T at the beginning of treatment. The resulting anger and 'wants' made me unhappy and caused additional stress between Master and myself.

We've made some mistakes. Disclosing our D/s dynamic and Master's probable Asperger's Syndrome would have been best in hindsight. However, our hesitancy is understandable, I have a disability and don't fully understand when someone might be compelled to report things to Adult Protective Services. Our income is quite limited so we don't have many options when it comes to therapists and have learned that sometimes no therapist can actually be the best choice.

The Kink Aware Professional List is often mentioned when kinksters complain about therapy options. I'm not sure how many people who recommend this resource have actually used the list to find a professional live in a small town, are on a limited income, and/or are picky about the credentials of their professionals.

My Master is my best friend but at times, a person has problems with their best friend and needs help to work those problems out. Unfortunately, I don't have such a person and I've run out of ideas on how to find such a person.

Managing the Housework by Using a PCA

2009-12-30T16:45:00.001-05:00

My PCA (Personal Care Attendant) is here. Asking for one was a hard decision. I'd been told that I could only get help if I was housebound and Master appreciates it if I go to the store with him whenever possible and go to his medical appointments with him. So, I was unwilling to give that up just to get help with the chores.
However, about two years ago I got desperate. The house was a nightmare and I was getting sicker due to the condition of our bathroom. Master was making himself sick trying to take care of me, cook, and keep up with the dishes. I made some calls asking about 'chore assistance' and got lucky. The program I'm enrolled in doesn't require that I be housebound and uses a sliding fee scale. Currently I get two hours a week of help. That can change if my needs change. For example, if Master can't drive for some reason I can call and my PCA can pick up my medicine from the pharmacy and go grocery shopping for us.
Currently she does dishes, sweeps, vacuums, mops, changes my bed, dusts, and cleans the kitchen and bath, and shovels our walk in the winter. I can ask for help with other 'light' occasional tasks such as cleaning the oven or freezer but not windows. Other than the snow, we still have to hire someone else to tend to the outside of our home.
I really feel like I should be doing all this for my Master myself but I can't. I have to accept that. The responsible thing to do is to make sure that things are taken care of somehow. What tools I utilize really isn't the important point.
Master really appreciates what my PCA does but he doesn't want to have to deal with her. So, it is my job to manage her. I have some experience with managing people from using readers during college but that was ten years ago. Plus, she tends to go to him with more 'technical' problems like with the vacuum cleaner.
Master really is a dear about the need for a PCA. He knows that dealing with her isn't easy for either of us and makes a real effort to be awake when she's here so he can support me if I get flustered. In turn, I make a a real effort to give my PCA the best instructions I can and to make sure the things Master wants done get done.
One benefit of having a PCA is that for two hours a week Master can relax to a degree. The dishes will get done. Someone else is in the house who can come get him if I fall or have an asthma attack. For those two house he can just relax and write or play games without worrying about me. It's great.

Sub Wise #5

2009-12-23T12:17:00.000-05:00

There were two other participants in Sub Wise #5

LunaKM

Pet's Journey

Please go read what they have written and consider participating in the next Sub Wise done by Submissive Guide.

I got my new cuff!

2009-12-22T19:05:00.001-05:00

Master recently bought a 8" anklet from Eternity Collars and presented it to me soon after my birthday. I wear it on my left wrist. So far I'm quite happy with it.
Surprisingly it is quite oval which I didn't like at first but after 24 hours I realize that it is the perfect shape. I didn't want a lot of play in this so got a piece 0.5" larger than my wrist measurement. That means I'm wearing an anklet as a cuff so I don't know if the cuffs are also oval in shape.
Even with my hypermobile joints I can't compress my hand to slip the cuff off. Yet I can push it up my forearm and it will stay beneath a long sleeve even with my elbow bent. Another bonus is that I didn't have to move my chunky Fossil watch to my right wrist although I may to balance things out and avoid the possibility of scratching the case of the watch. Bathing with the cuff went well and I didn't knock myself out with it. No bruises so far either.
I have made an effort to keep a piece of fabric between the cuff and my laptop. I'm not sure the metal case would scratch but I don't like the sound of metal against metal. Just a quirky me thing and I doubt it would bother most people.
I haven't gone out in public much since getting it so I don't know if anyone will ask me about it. I'm a bit nervous about how to deal with questions but I'm fairly sure I can just fall back on 'it was a birthday present.'

That's the practical stuff, now the feelings stuff...
We had had a fairly bad day prior to my having the cuff simply locked onto my wrist. I had asked Master if we were going to do anything special when it arrived and he never did tell me so apparently the answer was 'no.' It was rather odd. I really didn't think I deserved to wear the cuff at all but Master just said something like 'Nonsense' and locked it on before walking away to leave me to my confusion.
While I do wish something special or at least pleasant could have happened the day I got the cuff locked on I'm glad Master saw fit to do so even on a day I thought I'd been 'bad.' Honestly, if Master waited for a day I truly felt I'd earned it to give it to me he might as well not have ordered it.
I smile when I fidget with it but frown when I look at it. Perhaps the feelings will sort themselves out eventually. I'm not sure how this symbol can be so reassuring and yet so disturbing at the same time.
Now each time I do something 'wrong' I want to beg to have it removed. I don't deserve it, I just proved that. It feels like it means so much to me but I'm not sure how much it can mean to someone who simply sat on the sofa, opened the mail, dealt with it, and then left to do important things.
That's a feeling. As such it doesn't have to make sense Master says. Even if he does get cranky about the things that make me sad and since I can't fix the things that make me sad usually I just try to fix being sad so as to help with Master's crankiness. What a pair we are. I have to remember that I did get a hug and I would have pouted if he'd taken it off once he'd confirmed that it was the best possible size for me. (I wish it were more snug but I think the next smaller size would be too tight especially if my wrist swelled.) It will be okay. This just had a bigger emotional impact than I predicted it would.
At least now I have something to reassure me that he chose me and wants me to be here. Even if I am confused by that most of the time. Truly deserving it I may never do in my eyes but it is his cuff to do with as he pleases and right now this is what pleases him. I don't have to understand it. I just wish I trusted that he wouldn't 'come to his senses' any minute now either.

SubWise #5

2009-12-20T15:50:00.001-05:00

Reflecting in the past year, how have you progressed in your submission? What challenges have you overcome and what others are you still working on?

This question comes from Sub Wise #5 over at Submissive Guide. Please go take a look at what the other participants have written.

I've become much more serious in my submission in the past year. Somehow I came to realize that I wanted to stop pretending to be a sub and start being one. Honestly, not just for my Master but for me because I realized I needed this.

Master has always identified as a Dom and I've seen myself as a switch for quite some time. Honestly, I probably Domme'd my first time to make that boyfriend happy which is kind of subby in a way.
Gradually I realized I was making rules for myself so that I could feel happy and safe. Rules I wanted Master to be making. Great, I was becoming my own Domme. That was better than having no Dom at all but I suspected we were both sad. Master wanted a sub but wasn't sure about me and I wanted a Dom but wasn't sure about my ability to do it.
My health is a big part of our doubts. Scenes aren't really possible because while neither of of us have the energy for them. Plus, with some of my health conditions there are real reasons I'd end up hurt and he doesn't want to risk that. So casual play didn't really feel like a viable option for satisfying anyone's desire for D/s.
We tried a system where I'd put on a special necklace to signal that I was feeling well enough to be his sub but I've never been able to honestly wear it no matter how often I sincerely want to. Wearing the necklace would mean I'm having a good enough day physically to do whatever tasks were asked of me and well, I don't have those days anymore. Now, I look at the necklace and cry. Master would know I'd be lying if I ever put it on and I'm not supposed to lie to him so I'll never be able to wear it.

I've had mixed feelings about 24/7 relationships since I learned about them. I have had horrid taste in relationships prior to this and I don't want to get any more trapped than I tend to let myself. The structure they provide seems attractive. However, I'm a brat I know that. Plus I have a stereotyped image of what a 'good sub' is and since Master and I don't always communicate very well I tend to fall back on that very strict stereotyped image without clear guidance from Master. All that said, they still hold an attraction for me. I like structure and security. My overarching goal is to be 'good.' In my mind, if I do anything to, or let anything, frustrate Master then I haven't been 'good.' Because of that attitude and my history, neither Master nor I are sure how healthy a 24/7 relationship would be for me.

So, we start small and see what we can do. I'm supposed to take good care of myself because I'm his. He wants his property taken well taken care of so he has less to worry about. I'll admit this confuses the heck out of me but it is a good place to start. Every night I get to ask if I've been good and the answer will usually be based on how well I've taken care of myself or how much easier I've made his life that day. Somedays it will be based on how well I coped with a bad day. Hopefully this will gradually help with my self-concept.

We're still working on more ways to work D/s into our everyday lives in a way that works for both of us health-wise. Moving away from a service mindset may be key. We're looking at pet play. Afterall cats get to lay on the sofa all day and mew when they need food and water plus they still get skritches.

Asking for help

2009-12-14T16:16:00.001-05:00

Recently Master felt I was ready for a new rule. Unfortunately he made this decision after learning that I decided that I could do without something because I just didn't have the energy to find it and I didn't want to ask him to help me get it. *facepalm* When will I ever learn to keep my mouth shut?
So now I have to ask for help if I need it. I asked Master how to decide if I really needed help or if I was just being lazy. His answer was rather straightforward even if I didn't quite understand it. Lazy people don't do things because they just don't want to but they could without negative consequence. I don't do things because I really don't feel well enough or I'm afraid of the consequences. By Master's definitions that means I can't recall a time I've been lazy.
This is one of those time I'm glad to be working with Master's definitions of things rather than my own.
By far this is the hardest rule for me to follow. In my mind I'm supposed to take care of my Master or at least do what I can to minimize how much work I make for him. This seem so directly cause him to have to do more.
Master has explained that he wants to take care of me and if he knows I'll ask for help when I need it then he'll worry less. Yes, I grasp that it is bad to make my Master worry. My particular Master would rather do some physical work if it means fewer worries about my health and well being. I have to remember that I'm the submissive and it isn't necessary for me to understand. I want to understand but I just don't feel capable of understanding this.

A bit of background.

2009-12-07T20:10:00.001-05:00

The most common command from Master these days is "Go sit down." That's the last thing I, as a primarily service submissive, wants to hear.
It isn't that I don't want to do what Master tells me to but after I'm told to go sit then Master has to finish whatever I'd been trying to do.
I'm so glad I'm valued so much by Master. He has his own health problems but views me as sicker and more fragile so does as much as he possibly can to take care of me. In fact, one of my few rules is to take good care of myself. So, when I try to do too much Master reminds me that I'm supposed to be taking care of myself and usually that means resting.
To make me feel better about all of this, Master tells me things like "Go sit down and look cute" or other things to help me feel less worthless. I may not be actively doing things but at least I'm making his world more pleasant to look at.
My health conditions are chronic, degenerative, and incurable. My life span may not be changed significantly but enough else is. All he and I can do is to take things easy and enjoy what we have.
I know I have to take care of myself if I'm going to be able to do anything else but it feels so selfish to be using all of my energy on myself and to tell Master 'no' even if he's told me that's what he wants.